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100+ Hilarious Jokes and Best funny facebook status updates

Facebook is one of the most popular social network or most probably the busiest website in the world. people shares, lives and connects in Facebook. To be a king maker on FB and to get much likes and comments on every of your status updates, you need to post new and new interesting status updates and share or post really funny, Hilarious Jokes as your updates.Best funny and extremely Hilarious Facebook status updates jokes

But You can’t always get stuff from your mind or share the same old jokes on your friends wall.

  1. A few days ago, Japan Prime Minister Mori was given some basic conversation training in English before he visited Washington and met US President Barack Obama.The instructor said to Mori, “When you shake hand with US President Obama, please say ‘how are you. Then Mr Obama should say, ‘I am fine, and you?’.Now, you should say ‘me too’. Afterwards we, the translators, will do the work for you.”
    It looks quite simple, but the truth is:-

    When Mori met Obama , he mistakenly said “Who are you?” (Instead of ‘How are you?).
    Mr Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:”Well, I’m Michelle’s husband, ha-ha.”

    Then Mr Mori replied, “me too, ha-ha.”
    Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.

  2. Is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?
  3. Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
  4. Chuck Norris taught a kid to play Counter Strike… that kid is now known as Osama Bin Laden.
  5. I was walking past the lunatic asylum the other day when I heard a female voice
    groaning repeatedly “22 22 22 22”. Looked in through a gap in the wall and she
    poked me in the eye with a stick. As I was walking away clutching my eye I heard
    her groan “23 23 23 23”.
  6. In 2013, my first status will be “is anyone alive?” 😀
  7. Fighting for peace is like f**king for virginity.
  8. Teacher asked, If I saw a man beating a dog and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing?
    The student replied: BROTHERLY LOVE
  9. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  10. Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like
  11. Whats the difference between Justin Bieber And a Snickers bar? A snIckers bar has nuts.
  12. Once Superman, He-man and Bat-man paid a visit to Chuck Norris… that day was Teacher’s Day.
  13. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
  14. NEVER trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.
  15. status: I can’t log into facebook
  16. A teacher asked student, What is the full form of Maths?
    The student answered, ‘Mentaly Affected Teachers Harrasing Students’
  17. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
  18. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  19. Two people in a helicopter were 4,000 feet in the air when the pilot suddenly
    broke into hysterical laughter. “What is so funny”? asked the passenger.
    The pilot replied ” I was just thinking what the governor of the asylum will say when he notices that I’ve escaped”.
  20. Q. Where do you find a one legged cow?
    A. Where ever you left it.
  21. ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ
  22. Maths mis: A=B, B=C, So A=C.
    Prove this method with example.Student: Mis, I love u. U love ur daughter. So i love ur daughter,
    Thats all mis
  23. Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
  24. Nurse: You can book an appointment with the doctor only next week by paying 200$. He is in high demand now.
    Patient: But I might be dead by then.
    Nurse: Oh, don’t worry. We will refund 50 percent of the advance if you cancel the appointment.
  25. A ghost decided to frighten the man who just moved in to the house. During the night the ghost went up to him and said,
    “Do you know I have been living here for the past 500 years?”
    The man said, “Oh, very well then. Can you please let me know the way to the toilet?”
  26. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  27. Once Chuck Norris was given a tickets for over speeding at 100 miles per hour… when walking.
  28. My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game
  29. My friends status said, “standing on the edge of a cliff :/”…so i poked him.
  30. A man was walking at mid-night on the road adjacent to the graveyard. It was very dark. He was looking left and right and one could say that he was very nervous. He saw another man walking a little ahead of him and increased his pace so that he could catch up with him for company till he crosses the graveyard.He said to him, “It looks very scary here. Hope there are no ghosts over here.”The other man replied, “I guess not. I have been living here since I died twenty years ago and haven’t seen one yet.”
  31. Have you ever looked at someone and thought to yourself “Dude, that’s the sperm that won???”100+ Hilarious Jokes and Best funny facebook status updates
  32. Guy: Did It Hurt?
    Chick: Did What Hurt?
    Guy: When you fell from…
    Chick: Heaven Awww :’)
    Guy: No, when you fell from the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down!!
  33. TEACHER : PAPPU, go to the map and find North America.PAPPU : Here it is!TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

    CLASS : PAPPU

  34. what has two ears and cant hear? —————–.> GRANDPA
  35. A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
  36. Wife walks into the bedroom naked, hubby says “what are you wearing?” Wife says “my birthday suit” hubby says “well freaking iron it!”
  37. English Teacher: Sam, form a sentence using the word aftermath.
    Sam: We feel sleepy aftermath class.
  38. Teacher: Which is your native place?Tintu: Czechoslovakia m’aam.Teacher: Can you spell it?
    ( After a long pause )
    Tintu: Actually my native place is USA.
  39. “Experts say caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad you, sugar is bad for you… But don’t worry, worrying is also bad for you too.
  40. What the heck does the “z” in “LOLZ” mean…. “Laugh Out Loud…. Zebras?
  41. TIP TO REDUCE WEIGHT: Turn your head to the left and then turn to the right. Repeat exercise when offered something to eat
  42. I like to name my ipod ‘Titanic’ so when it says ‘Syncing Titanic’ i click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero.
  43. A divorced man walks over to his ex-wifes new hubby n asked…so how does it feel enjoying 2nd hand goods?..Doesn’t bother me,he responds..actually once u get past the 1st 3 inches, the rest is all brand new.
  44. A new student came to the class. After asking his name the teacher said,
    ‘What does your father do?’Student: Whatever Mom says. extremely Best funny and Hilarious Facebook status updates jokes
  45. Teacher: 2 girls are dancing; Change this sentence into exclamatory sentence.Student: WOW!!
  46. A king offered half his kingdom or a 1000 kilos of gold or his daughter’s hand in marriage if any brave man could cross a river full of poisonous snakes and crocodiles.No one voluntered but one young man jumped in to the river and crossed it without any difficulty.The king asked:
    “What do you want brave man, half of my kinddom?”

    The man said: “No your majesty”

    King: “Then the 1000 kilos of gold?”

    Man: “No your majesty”

    King: “Then my daughter’s hand in marriage?”

    Man: “No your majesty”

    King: “Then what is it that you want?”

    Man: “The name of the person who pushed me in the river”.

  47. “Daddy, I’d like to help and old man. Can I have some money? A dollar maybe two?
    “Well done my son! That is a very nice gesture! Here’s 5 bucks. Now where is that poor man?”
    “He’s down the street selling ice cream!”
  48. A kid was crying sitting outside his house. A passer by asked:
    Why are you crying?
    Kid: My parents are fighting inside the house.
    Passer By: Who is your dad?
    Kid: That is what the fight is about.
  49. TRUTH: Is a debit card
    Pay 1st and enjoy later.LIE: Is a credit card
    Enjoy 1st and pay later
  50. Santa: I am feeling very unwanted. I don’t think anyone in this world wants me.
    Banta: Why don’t you murder a couple of people and rob the bank. You will be very much wanted all over.
  51. Grammar is important. For instance, commas save lives, such as in this example: “Let’s eat grandpa.” vs “Lets eat, grandpa”
  52. One day a chicken croxed the road and met james bond and said whats your name?? ….bond james bond… whats yours??..ken chick ken!
  53. Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.
  54. A new teacher tries to teach psychology to children. She enters the classroom saying:
    “Whoever thinks he is stupid, please stand up!”
    After a few seconds a student stands up. The teacher addresses the little boy:
    “Why do you think you are stupid?”
    “I am not stupid, miss, but I felt weird because you were the only one standing!
  55. ٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶
  56. Cut here ————————————————-—–✄——————————————————-
  57. A husband comes home one night and tells his wife:
    “I won a million dollars today!”
    “No way! Are they for real?”
    They checked the money and concluded that the money is real.
    “Get your things!” said the man.
    “Which one of them? My winter clothes or my summer ones?”
    “All of them!”
    The enthusiastic woman runs all over the house packing her things and when she’s done she quietly awaits new orders.
    “And now what?”
    “Now get lost!”
  58. Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.
  59. If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
  60. Why do people in Horror Movies yell out “Hello?” as if the killer is gonna say “yeah, I’m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?”
  61. Does running late count as exercise?
  62. An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth. He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said:”May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college”.A young man opened the door and let him in.
    The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.

    He said, “The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed.”.

    When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.

    The young man got alarmed and said, “Don’t mistake me. She is my sister. She dropped her ear ring and is searching for it”.

    The old man said, “And the same old story”!.

  63. “Can I ask you something?”“You’re already asking.”
  64. Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
  65. I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover.
  66. LOOK LEFT ————————> you failed.
  67. A matchmaker was telling to a young but poor man,”There is a beautiful elderly lady who is widowed who owns a fortune and is looking for a young man to marry. She is gentle and also has a twenty year old daughter.”The man said,
    “I would rather marry the daughter in that case”.

    The matchmaker replied,
    “But if you marry the daughter, you will get an irritating and ugly old hag for a mother-in-law”.

  68. A Brief History of Our Times: As televisions became flatter, people became rounder.
  69. Reasons why I’m still single: ✔ can’t date the internet. ✔ can’t date my favorite celebrity. ✔ can’t date twitter. ✔ can’t date myself.
  70. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  71. Teacher: Suppose, you have 4 coins in your pocket and there is a hole in the pocket. All the four coins fall down from that hole. What will you have in your pocket?Student: A hole.
  72. The teacher writes on the table “2-2=”
    “Billy, could you tell me the result?”
    “Yes it’s easy, It’s a draw”
  73. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
  74. The quickest way to lose all faith in humanity is to read the comments section for almost anything on the internet
  75. I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven
  76. I run slow when little kids are chasing me so they think they’re fast.
  77. ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
  78. forcing my dog to learn how to google.
  79. Patient: I am very nervous, this is my first operation.
    Doctor: Same pinch!
  80. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  81. I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.
  82. In an interview, “I can multitask housework with facebook!”
  83. Good: Your son`s finally maturing
    Bad: He`s involved with the woman next door
    Worse: So are you extremely Best funny and Hilarious Facebook status updates jokes
  84. Teacher: Tell me an example of a creature which can live on water as well as the land.Student: Frog.Teacher: Another example.

    Student: Another frog.

  85. Taylor Swift: “Hey, I wrote a song about you.” Him: “I’m screwed.”
  86. Remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.
  87. Teacher: Whats the meaning of Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder?
    Student: Bamba’lakkadi Jimba.
    Teacher: I dont understand anything you said.
    Student: Same here.
  88. Santa: Do you know how to keep an idiot in suspense?
    Banta: No, tell me how?
    Santa: I will tell you next week.
  89. Two electricians were working on a high voltage line. The one standing on the pole tells the other worker:
    “Grab that wire on the left, please!”
    “Got it!”
    “Do you feel anything?”
    “No!”
    “Then please be careful with the wire on the right! It has 30 000 volts going through it!”
  90. Doctor to his overweight patient: “What is the least you have ever weighed?”
    Patient: 7 pounds and 2 ounces, when I was born.
  91. Oklahoma Thunder & Miami Heat… Can’t tell if they are talking about a weather report or NBA Finals.
  92. 2 hour movie, 30 second sex scene… Guess which part your parents walk in on ….
  93. Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think …its a Teabag xD
  94. Judge: The last time I saw you in the court, I told you that I never ever wanted you to come here again.
    Accused: Thats what I told the police your honor, but they didnt listen to me.
  95. My mirror and my camera have two completely different ideas of what I look like.
  96. In maths class, the teacher had noticed that, as usual, Little Johnny wasn’t paying
    attention. She asked him “Johnny, what are 2,4, 8 and 16?
    Quick as a flash he replied ” CBS,CNN, Movies and the Cartoon Network”.
  97. Salesman enters the dentist’s office and said: I want to rent advertising space on your ceiling.
  98. Teacher: How old is your dad.
    Student: He is as old as I am.
    Teacher: How is it possible?
    Student: Because he became a dad only after I was born.
  99. Man 1: You remind me of a film star.
    Man 2: Which one?
    Man 1: The one in Planet of the apes
  100. Lady 1: Did your husband agree for you to have an abortion?
    Lady 2: He is out of town for the past 11 months.
  101. Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
  102. Behind every great woman is a man looking at her ass!

About Rajeel

I'm Rajeel, a teen blogger from India who loves computers, sports, internet and all other kind of tech stuffs. This blog thing is one of my favourite hobby and the one that eats up much of my time. But Really, I'm loving it :) Find me in G+

5 comments

  1. Hello i liked it but can’t you put it on single page

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  4. Ha ha ha . Very funny. I will use them in my fb status. Come to my blog for more – http://fbjokesfever.blogspot.com/

  1. Pingback: Teachers Funny Picture Jokes For Facebook | Every Beautiful Images and Articles

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